The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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