If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
