you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
