i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
