So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
