I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
