I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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