it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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