I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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