Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
