You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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