I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
