just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
