I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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