you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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