Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
