New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
