Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
