I heard we made out
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
