I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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