She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
