If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
