Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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