Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
