A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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