New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
