I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
