i need an iv and a liver transplant
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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