My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
