In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
