if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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