just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
