just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
