I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
