So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
