U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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