so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
