If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
