I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
