Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
