last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
