That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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