he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My bed smells like the plague
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
