Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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