apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
