i wish my penis had a tongue
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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