So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
