There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
