I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
