1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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