I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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