I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
