1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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