Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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