You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Randomize
