I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
