Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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