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Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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