Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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