Tell her she can't have a vagina
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
