I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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